A Balancing Act: Juggling Chronic Illness and a Career

It seems like a funny time to be writing this as I haven’t worked for over 4 weeks now. But maybe this is the perfect time and a hell of a lot more relevant.

I started my career knowing that I have a chronic illness, but I didn’t know it was going to get in my way, or maybe I was just naïve.

One of the reasons I became a Physio is to help others like my physios helped me.

I guess when I was young, I didn’t really know that arthritis was a chronic illness or what it really entailed, but I don’t think I would have changed my mind knowing what I know now. Maybe I would have just looked after myself a little better, but no young person thinks like that. That’s why hindsight is such a beautiful thing!

Ever since working as a physio, I have had to compete with my own body. The typical head and heart battle. I think the longest I have gone without having to go off sick from work is 10 weeks, I’ve managed this about 3 times within the past 2/3 years. Usually, it’s no longer than 5 weeks between sickness leave. I never thought I’d be the person that’s always off. I don’t want to be that person. I want to be able to work as much as the next person. But that’s not how life works.

Thinking about it now, I probably do put a lot onto my body, especially as it’s already fighting itself constantly. Working full-time, plus two part-time jobs and helping on the farm. But when people say to me ‘That’s a lot’, it doesn’t feel like it. I still feel that I could work more, could work harder. Growing up with people around me working their arses off 24/7, I guess you just think that’s normal. It’s not sustainable though. It’s not a work-life balance when the ‘work side’ of it forces you to rest in your ‘life side’ of it. So, is it really worth it?  

I love my job and I know not everyone can say that, which is sad.

But it isn’t an easy job, it’s not a job you leave at work; you bring it home with you.

I could easily look for an easy job, an easier life, but I’m not going to let the arthritis win. I will win. I will try my best to make any changes so that I can still work.

It’s not easy in your young 20s to have to think about ‘in 30 years will I still be able to work?’, but it’s not something I can hide from. I need to make decisions now otherwise if I carry on how I am, by the time I get to that age, I will barely be able to move, never mind work!!!!

This is definitely the longest period I have had to take time off work – and the most frustrating thing is that I don’t feel ill, I can still walk and I can still function – which is just strange to be off! But I can’t be safe at work if I can’t see. My eyes won’t get better if I keep straining them too much. It’s difficult to accept, but it is what it is. This blog post has taken about 2 weeks to write because I can’t look at a screen for longer than 20 minutes at a time, and then need an hour to recover! It isn’t ideal when all our notes at work are on the computer. It’s the patient safety part that made me stay off work and the amount of people who have been telling me to look after myself is starting to hit now. I am now starting to accept when they say “no job is worth damaging your health”. Which it isn’t, because without your health you can’t do said job.

It hasn’t been the worst time to be off as it’s lambing season on the farm so always plenty to do … just not ideal when I can’t see what is lambing and what isn’t!!!

For those who didn’t see my last blog post – this is what has been happening with me lately…At the end of Feb, I started with conjunctivitis which didn’t clear with the antibiotic drops for over a week. I had done the rounds of the GPs and opticians and eventually got a referral to the hospital eye casualty. I was given more drops and they said it was severe dry eyes and blepharitis. I know they had mentioned on previous occasions that I had blepharitis which is most likely related to my arthritis. This time I have been told it could be the Adalimumab biological injection that could be causing it – which, when I look back, I did start having more eye problems since starting it. At least this is something I can change or swap around, unlike if it were to be the arthritis itself. So, after conversations with my Rheumatologist, we decided that they would swap me onto Golimumab – a similar injection but with a lower chance of eye side effects. So I’m now adjusting to life in glasses and hoping my full sight will return soon!

Returning to work and the thought of not being able to do my job is the hardest part of all this.

As with any time you go for appointments or meetings with bosses, there were times when I felt gaslighted and there were times when I actually felt heard and that they wanted to work with me to help me. You can guess which was more common. It shouldn’t be a nice surprise when you feel listened to; when you feel that someone actually wants to help, but sadly it is.

When you ask for advice on returning to work and feeling safe with patients and being able to do a full day’s work and the answer you get is “Well as long as you’re not blind as a bat you should be fine”. It doesn’t fill you with confidence; it doesn’t give you much hope.

I think the point of me writing this is to be able to get it off my chest and to start accepting it myself, but also for a chance to speak with others about how they manage their illness and careers. It’s probably something a lot of people similar to me just keep hiding behind and not wanting to accept the truth, but it needs to be discussed, it’s our whole life we are talking about.

We’re just human, we can’t do it all.

If only one person is able to get something useful out of this blog, then it has been worth it.

Thanks for reading,

Ali x