I DIDN'T BOUNCE BACK - I BUILT SOMETHING BETTER, DESPITE AN UNPREDICTABLE BODY

When I first started writing this, I felt like I was on some sort of cloud.

My body, my arthritis, my strength, my immune system, all of it was doing so well ... I had not felt like this for SO long. It felt empowering. I never thought I'd feel this way again, nevermind feeling it from 8 months post-partum.

Now - body wise, arthritis wise, strength wise, I am still on this high. But one thing had to give ... my immune system. It has served me a stark reminder of reality, yet again.

GETTING BACK TO IT

Since my flare-up in January and the restart of my biological injection, I’ve gradually eased back into exercise, steadily rebuilding my strength. I’ve always loved the idea of training, but it often remained just that—an idea. My journey has been a series of one step forward and two steps back. But this time has been different.

I started off real slow. I began with my postpartum pelvic physio exercises and built from there. I went to a personal trainer rather than going at it alone and I joined a mum and baby gym class. Thankfully, my joints have held up, and for that, I am incredibly grateful. I've been stricter with myself to avoid certain exercises that I know hurt my joints - especially my knees and wrists or made better adjustments. Saying no to Bulgarian split squats every time - I don't know if anyone else is the same but my body just does not cope with these at all.

I honestly can't express how much I love what my body is letting me do at the minute. I am genuinely proud of it—something I never thought I’d be able to say.

In the last 20 months, my body has grown life, given birth and got me to where I am today - the strongest I've ever been (all whilst keeping a tiny human alive!)

Now, every new mum has likely heard the phrase "you've bounced back," or even worse, the well-meaning but misguided comments that follow. Yet, I find myself feeling quite the opposite—I haven’t bounced back at all. The truth is, you don’t simply bounce back; you evolve into a new version of yourself. The neurological wiring in our brains reflects this transformation. For me, it feels like embracing a completely new identity—a body that tells a story of strength and resilience, one that I can truly be proud of. This journey is not about returning to who I once was; it’s about celebrating the incredible evolution that comes with motherhood.

THE INEVITABLE REALITY CHECK

When people ask how I’m doing and I respond with “surprisingly well,” it often prompts a light-hearted joke about how pregnancy and motherhood have 'cured' me. While we all know that’s not entirely accurate, there is some science behind it. More recently, it has been a case of saying joints wise absolutely fine but my immune system decided to throw in the towel - a throat infection that refused to budge, skin flare-ups and eye issues similar to a couple of years ago. Something had to give; it was all going too well.

I had just finished my course of antibiotics before I was due to do my June injection but decided to give it a miss as I just felt it would make me feel worse. It's the whole story of you know your body best. I trusted that my joints could handle missing a month and I knew that other things would get worse if I did do it. Now, I’m not sure if I was supposed to consult my Rheumy team about this, but I made the decision on my own.

I have been referred to a dermatologist but still waiting for that appointment. My skin has been in the worst condition it’s ever been, and nothing seemed to help; every product I tried only made it angrier. It wasn't my normal eczema flare on my face (although that was the case for other parts of my body). After at least 2 months, it's finally calming down now but my skin is scarred - from the scratching and from the steroids.

And the reason for why this blog post has taken SO long to write is that I struggled to see clearly; everything was a blur, and looking at a screen was painfully overwhelming. After countless visits to doctors, optometrists, and ophthalmologists over the past two months, my vision is finally improving enough to look at my screen for a short while. I can't believe how much this, out of everything, knocks my confidence. I couldn't see across a room to properly read someone's face. Watching tele didn't feel relaxing and just made them worse. Anything bright was too just overwhelming. It just made me feel so vulnerable.

So hopefully, onwards and upwards. But it's always the same thing when living with a chronic illness - the crippling anticipation of what's coming next, because it's rarely anything good.

THE CONSTANT COMPARISON

While I may not be considered strong or fit compared to others my age, in my journey, I absolutely am, and that’s what matters most.

For nearly half my life, I’ve compared myself to others based on their abilities. It’s easy to say, “but they don’t have a chronic illness,” yet our minds don’t always work that way. Everyone compares themselves to others in some sense. It takes time to learn how to manage this. I’m much better at advising others not to compare themselves, but putting that advice into practice is a different challenge. I’ve come a long way, and I feel less compelled to explain myself about why I can’t do certain exercises or why I struggle with fitness, even when it’s just a short jog. Don’t get me wrong; those thoughts still creep in, but that’s part of being human.

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Postpartum life is HARD, each step hits you with something new to navigate.

Focusing on getting stronger and surrounding myself with the right people has made this journey more manageable.

I never expected my body to achieve what it has and I know that I am very lucky to be in this situation.

If you find yourself relating to any of this and want to connect, I’m here to chat!

Thanks for reading,

Ali x

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