This blog is to share the realities of getting married with a chronic illness.
There are so many different angles I could come at this – so I’ve chosen to write about my experiences and how I’ve felt through engagement, wedding planning and the big day itself. And then I will do a quick video on hacks and advice I’d give to others.
Head over to instagram.com/alidaggett to my Instagram page to see the video reel!
It is one of the best times in your life, one of the biggest commitments. It’s exciting, it’s scary, it’s fun, it’s stressful, it’s emotional, it’s overwhelming; you’re nervous, you’re happy, you just feel like you’re in a cloud.
We got engaged on the 24th December 2022. In all the excitement, we started planning the wedding pretty much straight after we got engaged. When you think about it now, 18 months to plan seems like a long time and you might think it should give you more than enough time to plan but it also gives you that whole time to stress, overthink and get overwhelmed with it all over and over again. It can be exhausting. (I’m definitely glad we didn’t have any more time to plan it – it would’ve have gotten way too much!!). I made sure Dan was involved with pretty much everything even though he was happy for me to choose what I wanted. But I just needed that extra support, I needed it be less just on me. There were many times when the planning got too much – it wasn’t until I finally admitted to myself and asked my sisters to help me that I then didn’t seem so overwhelmed with it all. I thought I could do it myself, but my brain and my brain fog had no chance of surviving. I am so lucky to have my family and my best friend, it wouldn’t have been the day it was without them.
We had lots of plan B’s. We had to plan for if I was in a flare up – with pain, inflammation, joints, eyes, skin etc. Now, this was hard work. And honestly, with everything with having to change biologics 1 month before the wedding, I did not know how or what to plan for. I think we would’ve been set up for the worst but luckily I was fine. I say fine as in I wasn’t swollen; I could see and I wasn’t ill. I think it was the adrenaline (and painkillers) that helped me overcome the high pain and fatigue.
Alongside the planning, you also have the emotions of actually getting married. Everyone gets overwhelmed with it all at some point or another, but I think for me there were so many worries related to my condition.
What if I flare for the wedding?
The vows – how true is the “in sickness”.
What if I get worse after we’re married?
What if he changes his mind?
What if I can’t give him the life that we’re saying on the day that we are looking forward to?
Deep down, I knew and I still know that we will always be able to deal with what comes to us but it still gets to you, it still is in your mind the whole time. I know that if he wasn’t on board, he has had plenty of time to get rid, 11 years (minus a day) to be exact!!!!
So, the actual wedding …
Week before – make sure you all have everything known what needs to be done, everyone knows their jobs so you don’t have to exhaust yourself.
Day before – make sure you get some rest, enjoy the feel of it, and again make sure everyone knows what they’re doing and you have your list of things that just you can do
Morning of – Get up on your own time, take some time by yourself – you’re going to be surrounding by people all day, you need to have some headspace. Other people want to do things for you, let them. This is your one day!!
The day – you’ve done all your planning, your wedding party know their jobs, the staff know their job, all you can do is ENJOY IT! Take things slow, don’t rush yourself. Don’t push yourself to get round everyone, people will come to you. Take a seat, take the weight off your feet for a minute! Make sure you eat and drink (both water and a tipple!!)
The night – Again, enjoy yourself! Dance away, dance sat down if you need to. Be in comfy shoes. Leave when you want to – not when you think you should. Don’t push yourself too late that you’re not going to enjoy when you get back to where you’re staying, and that you won’t enjoy the day after – it’s the first day of married life!
The day after – Lie in if you need to, get that rest. Have some time just to yourselves, you will have barely spent any time just you two the actual wedding day. As I said before, people want to help you, so let them.
Ultimately, be kind to yourself, do right by yourself, take the advice that you would give to anyone else in your shoes. And finally, enjoy it!
It has been the best 18 months (well more now as it’s taken me so long to write this!) of my life. I have never been happier. When I say to people it’s not really that different being married as we have been together so long; I feel different. I feel more confident within myself, I feel stronger (mentally), I feel more whole. It sounds corny and cringey, I know.
I want to take this time to thank my friends and family for helping me having the best day of my life and being there with us to celebrate it. And most of all, I want to thank my gorgeous Husband for just being you and making us what we are.
Thank you for reading,
Ali NELSON x
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