I haven’t done a blog post in a while.
I haven’t had the time to sit down and write one without just wanting to relax or keep myself from falling asleep.
My arthritis has been relatively controlled recently. Nothings swollen, which is always nice.
But arthritis doesn’t stop there.
The pain is still there.
The fatigue is still there.
The multiple complications from having an autoimmune disease are still there.
Forever waiting for that day I wake up with no pain and not still exhausted. But really, I don’t ever see that day coming.
It’s easy to get yourself down a hole of struggling through dark clouds, never being able to picture the sun again. It’s not so easy getting yourself out of that hole though.
I didn’t realise I was so far down until I had my last Rheumy appointment – it was when he asked me the question, it started to click.
“Do you think mood is playing a part?”
Now, usually I’d get annoyed by this because I had everything under control but this time was different. I told him winter is always difficult and also I managed to get off my anti-depressants last summer.
So this all made sense.
It was just how I was now going to go from here.
It seemed easier to me that it was my mind making this worse than my body.
I don’t know if that makes sense to anyone else.
I’ve spent so much of my energy the past 7 years angry with my body. I think it deserves a break.
It made me realise how much my body actually does to say it’s fighting every single day.
Especially when the week after I had to go to my GP yet again. And then again now 3 weeks later.
It just feels like it doesn’t stop.
The best way I can describe it is that I feel like I’m on fire … my mind is constantly throwing petrol on and my body is keeping it topped up with things to burn.
So the latest additional thing to the usual arthritis problems is I had conjunctivitis ... again!
And the docs tell me I need to see an optician and the opticians tell me to see the docs … the headache of this is nearly as bad as the actual eye problem!
They’ve told me before I have blepharitis and something else I can’t remember the name of and that makes it more likely to get conjunctivitis anyway and being immunosuppressed as well as.
But I can tell you now, I am not a fan. Would not recommend to a friend.
Who would have though arthritis could affect your eyes, aye?
How effing rubbish!!
I started writing this post when just finding out what was going on, a few weeks down the line and still struggling I can’t say that anything feels any better. I’m slowly accepting that I need this time off work to get myself better. That a few weeks off work in the grand scheme of life really does not matter. It’s difficult but I’m getting there. Also accepting that my eyes are going to be a constant problem and something else for me to constantly manage for the rest of my life. Because I don’t want it to get this bad again, having the thought of my sight getting worse was harrowing.
My sights getting a little better now but still isn’t right. Coming to the terms that I wouldn’t be able to wear my contacts all the time was a hard pill to swallow. I just don’t feel myself in my glasses, it’s not me. It will take a long time to get used to.
I think the point of me writing this blog post is just to vent and complain.
But if anyone else can get anything out of it then that’s a job worth while.
I guess it shows that chronic illnesses are never simple.
You may think someone is doing well because their usual symptoms aren’t there. But it’s always catching you out one way or another.
Chronic illness is relentless.
So we have to be too.
Love to everyone out there fighting this shit.
Thanks for reading,
Ali x
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